Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
