billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
