god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
