I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
