So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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