We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
