Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
