you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Someone shattered a urinal.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
