question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
