Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
