i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize