News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
