the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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