she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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