Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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