my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Randomize
