Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
