I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
