he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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