you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
