I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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