The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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