I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
