I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
