He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
This toilet bowl is my home.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
