Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
is it fun? or sober?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
