I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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