goodnight i made you a song goodbye
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
