I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
