Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
