worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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