Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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