Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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