can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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