There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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