I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
