I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
