Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
