I have demons in me.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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