I haven't been this sober since birth.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
