Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
