I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
