eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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