I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
