2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
it was like eating out sand paper
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
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