I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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