I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
