you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
