i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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