took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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