If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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