life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Two words: blizzard sex
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
