On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
