I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
