im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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