I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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