I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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