I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
